I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
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Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.