me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
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Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad