listen closely
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Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?