Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
You Might Also Like
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.