This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
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Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My god she’s good.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.