Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
#growingpains
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready