[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
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Once again not all heroes wear capes
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Just this preview of the story is enough
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing