Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
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COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball