My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.