Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
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Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
White Castle for the Win
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.