When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
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You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.