9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
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hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
So true for me
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.