Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
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Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.