[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
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Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.