Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
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Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Botany good plants lately?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
The only good comments section online is on recipes