[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Trumpy Cat
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy