Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate