Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
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[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Social Media and Real life
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.