Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
You Might Also Like
Tell me you get it…🤣
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Safety first