I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
You Might Also Like
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80