The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now