No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
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Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
somebody come look at this
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.