Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
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“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?