The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
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Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi