When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Who called it baking and not making love
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick