Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Not all heroes wear capes…
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary