There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
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cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
This is amazing.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Alexa: *deep breath*
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
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Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?