“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
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OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.