I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
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I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?