If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo