[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates