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MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
How times have changed.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.