[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
You Might Also Like
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.