Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
selfie game