my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.