I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I missed you with all my darts
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son