STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
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[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.