I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?