I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
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English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms