mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen