taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.