My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
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2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Mhm.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
When you let grandma cat sit