Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
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I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.