The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
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there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
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