H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
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Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice