You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
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Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other