He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
You Might Also Like
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.