Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
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“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.