who’s ready for the long weeknd?
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Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
OKAY DAD
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.