relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Home is where your toilet is.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
New comic up. “Ransom”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
The “baby” on the left….
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.